nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
