Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
