I'm going to rape someone's good day.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
