I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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