dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
