I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
