I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Randomize
