I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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