My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
