my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
So apparently I’m into choking now
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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