Whoa Z and x make the same sound
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
