omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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