I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
