Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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