tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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