Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
