I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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