i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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