Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
