No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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