I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize