There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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