Quick, to the slutcave!
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Oh god it's open bar.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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