We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Randomize
