My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
