walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
