he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
