I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
