Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize