he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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