the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
