I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize