Well apparently he's into motor boating.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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