R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
