we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
should my penis look like a turkey
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
