I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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