is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
farters have to be the big spoon...
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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