I wish my penis had an off switch
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
