Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize