i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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