Your face is a jimmy john
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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