Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
