There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
