I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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