I was born with a shot glass in my hand
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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