So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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