someone threw a dead crab at me
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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