To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
