There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
