Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
