I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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