She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
