Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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