Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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