Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize