I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
this will be a night to untag.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
