If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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