TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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