The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
