feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
