Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
