God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
