and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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